Wednesday, April 14, 2010

More Bathroom Etiquette...

This was forwarded to me, and I couldn't help reposting it. I laughed until I cried when I read this. Enjoy!!

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Of Agitators...

Today I am doing tech at church and we are starting a new series on the book of James. James is a very practical book of the Bible, and today part of what we are learning about is being ok with hard times in our lives, knowing that God will take care of us. He'll use it to Grow us in faith so we trust Him even more. Another part is about financial security.

This is all very applicable to me since I am dealing with both of those areas in my life right now. Yesterday I had a long list of things to do, but first I went to throw a load of laundry in. Since Anna is very close to delivery, it's hard for her to go up and down the stairs with the laundry basket, so I've taken on that responsibility. So, I turned on the washing machine and saw a blue flash. Ooooh...not cool. Well, it filled up with water, then stopped. It just stopped. No movement, no agitation. (By the way, I think it's cool that washing machines have agitators...I was always told that being an agitator was a bad thing.) Turns out, the timer was broken as well, so it actually did spin out, then promptly went to the next cycle and filled up with water again.


I let it spin out then I unplugged it before it went to the next cycle. Both the washer and dryer are old, and the timer on the dryer is broken as well, so it was time for new ones for sure. I just hadn't planned on it JUST NOW.

But, as we are learning from James, these things are ok and God is in control, even when things don't fit in MY plans. Plus, there are always good things that come out of bad.

1) This didn't happen AFTER Tigger was born when we have TONS of laundry to do.
2) This was our second set of used appliances, so it really was time for new ones.
3) We got to hang out with Dale and Sarah some more. They've been sick and we've missed them a lot. They provided the transportation for the new washer and dryer and Dale helped me get them set up. Mostly. I have the the rest to do today.
4) The set was on sale, and the store honored another store's offer for 10% off.
5) The new ones are MUCH more efficient, so hopefully our bills will go down. Or at least stay the same since we WILL be doing more laundry very soon.
6) The new washer doesn't have an agitator. I guess that's a good thing (?).

So yeah, it's a good thing. And the finances will iron out, God's in control.


Loading the new ones into the van...
They work!! Both of them!!
The old couple sitting in the garage...anyone want them?!?!